Struggles

Today was an odd day. Nothing bad happened. Nothing particularly good happened. Things were eventful/uneventful. And I'm struggling today. I'm struggling with many things (as always) but today they really feel as though they've come to a head. There's nothing in particular coming up today that needs special attention, or consideration, it's just the accumulation of too many things.

I'm making decisions in my life, big decisions, which scare me. I'm moving forward into graduate school, I'm leaving a job where I have job-security in a time when many Americans do not. I'm moving out of a city where I'm beginning to feel welcome and like I belong (slightly). I'm making decisions in friendships and relationships which make me so nervous for the future. I'm worried about that future and what it holds and does not hold. I'm worried the steps I take today, took yesterday, will take tomorrow, are steps I may come to regret.

I'm terrified that pushing some people away means my future will be far different and be something I cannot fathom or recognize. I'm scared that the people I try to pull close will pull away in just a short time. I'm not sure if my "plans" for my future are the right ones.

I'm struggling today.

And.... we're back, for a little while at least

Miss Lisa left me a sweet comment the other day, just saying "come back!" and you know, it worked. Or at least it's working for a short while. I'm in that "why do I blog" phase and am not sure it will end...if ever. I realized that the inevitable move (which I've done to facilitate), the start of law school, and the need to really focus on my future career are just a few of the things which mean I should reconsider writing here. I say that because this blog is about ME (because I'm narcissistic like that). If this were a blog where I focused on topics completely unrelated to me, about the outside world, food (like Arabian Bites or Molly), then I think this is something I could sustain indefinitely. However, with the world of internet the way it is, I need to reconsider the writing I do here and what I publish here, as well as the Sig of 13's existence. Don't worry, I won't go away just yet.

In the meantime...

There is no more snow in New Mexico, thank God. However, we have had abnormally hot weather almost all month. It's nice, but when you work in an office, it can almost kill you (literally) to have to sit at your desk while it's sunny, and warm and the outside world is beckoning to you... I have been lucky enough to enjoy the rooftop patio of the Coyote Cafe with a very good friend, a bucket of coronitas (those little coronas!) and a tasty margarita to share. The rooftop becomes the place to be during the summer. You better get there early if you want a nice seat at the edge looking out over downtown Santa Fe. I went to a ballet class this morning, and the heat and sun working its way into my skin almost convinced me to play hooky today... however, I thought through that one again and decided if I ate some spaghetti (like any good Italian!) and showered, then I would make it through the end of the work day. I did, and without casualty; but just barely.

And so now I am once again being a good Italian: enjoying a little snack of cheese, with a glass of Chianti. I highly recommend this as a Friday evening activity.

Cheers, and here's to some (hopefully!) future posts.

White Spring

Good morning, folks. I woke up tired this morning (not unusual), and looked out by window with a glazed feeling still in my head, only to see snow falling. On April 17th. Snow. In Santa Fe. In New Mexico. It's sticking. Ugh. I'm very ready for some warm weather. I'd like to sit on a bench in the plaza or in a park and soak up warm sunshine. I'll like to wear cute summer skirts and flip flops, or strappy work sandals and summer dresses. I want to pack away my thick sweaters and wool work clothes... And every time I think we might be getting closer to a warm, sunny break in this long, chilly winter, I wake up to a storm.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do love snow. I do love spring snow too (it's there, and then it's gone, quickly). But I feel like we're at a point where the weather Gods are just doing this to laugh at me. Or maybe it's that little thing called global warming flexing it's muscles at me.

At least I'm not in Colorado. They're expecting up to three feet of snow in some areas by tomorrow morning. Too bad I'm not a ski enthusiast loving spring skiing.

Enjoy your Friday, and the weekend!

Thirteen

Well, today this blog title takes on a whole new meaning. "The Significance of 13" today is something unexpected, something I had realized would be reflected so acutely today. It's an emotional issue I try very hard to ignore sometimes, and it's something my family struggles with daily, but which is exacerbated on April 14th, without fail.

Today is the 13th anniversary of my brother's death. Little David passed away 13 years ago today. April 14th, 1996. I was only 12, Alex was just 7 years old and David was 10, and the size of an 8 year old. His poor little body was so sick, so wracked by chemicals from the chemotherapy, the burns from radiation, and the pressure of the cancer growing inside him.

He was so tough, brave, and understanding. He knew what it meant to be sick. What it meant to be dying, and how not to be afraid of dying. How a 10 year old can achieve such grace is something I will never understand. His calm and quiet presence those last days are indescribable, but as one nurse asked me the morning he died "Could you feel the Gods' presence?" I knew the answer was yes. We had felt God's presence for a long time, and still felt it then.

Thirteen years is an incredibly long time. And yet, it seems so short. A brother, a child, a spouse, anyone to whom you are close, does not depart your heart or thoughts or emotions with the same speed their soul departs this Earth. They linger with you, as though you were with them yesterday, for years. It's only many, many years later that you begin to realize that light of grief and tragedy and pain that burned so painfully and so constantly in you is slowly lowering the flame.



This morning my mother sent me an email very early. It's been bothering me, nudging me all day. And I don't want to think of it, to think of the truth behind it or the realization that she recognizes this. Here is part of what she wrote:

You know that I think about David all the time, but especially so at this time of year. Each year goes faster and faster and it is so hard to think of thirteen years without him. And now we begin the fourteenth year - twice as many years as you knew David, Alex. As always, I anguish how to remember his death, his life and puzzle over what kind of legacy I can create so the world knows him as you, Dad and I knew him. Nothing seems adequate.

So I will go to work and think about him quietly and sadly, in my own way. I will give blood today in his honor but that is such a small thing.

I do want to apologize to you both, however, for not being a good mother after his death when you both so needed me and Dad. I was so overcome with my own grief I could barely function and I know that I was not present for you. I am sorry and it is something I will always regret. If I had to do the grief journey over again it is something that I would change. I would try to be a real parent to my surviving children in spite of my grief. But since I cannot change the past all I can do is apologize.



I feel her words come so late, but are still so important.

And so, I remember David. My little brother, Dae-Dae, and the amazing boy I am blessed to know and love.

The April Chill

It's been a busy week and I'm only now sitting and actually appreciating that my next moves aren't already coordinated and planned. (Although now that I say that I'm realizing that tomorrow is planned by hourly increments, and I have meetings, calls and plans every other day and night this week -- except maybe Friday!) So for the time being I'm sitting. Enjoying my beer. Contemplating a hot bath. Begrudging the Monday morning which is just around the corner.

I had a great, and busy week, last week. It involved all sorts of evenings out, dinners and a fairly productive work week. This weekend involved an amazing and whirlwind of a trip to Denver to help miss KA in the picking of her wedding dress. It was great to see she and her fiance, her family, and just to be back in Colorado for a couple of days. I'm really excited for her and all that lies ahead, and can't wait for more plans to be laid and adventures to take place between now and the wedding (ahem, bachelorette party).

There have been cycles of cold, wet, windy, and generally miserable weather rolling through over the last couple of week. The big snow that fell a while ago was great, because it felt like the finale to winter and the beginning of spring. Well, it felt that way for a while. Now it feels cold and wintery again. It's been windy and that really is the worst (in my humble opinion). I'm hoping we'll see some warm, sunny days in the coming weeks, but I'm not holding my breath just yet.

Oh, and I started and finished a whole other book than what has been up on my reading list. I've pretty much given up on Suttree. I love Cormac McCarthy, but I just cannot get into this particular novel -- and I actually have lots of time to read in the evenings now! So, I set it down and picked up The Thirteenth Tale (which I bought back in August) and finished it this past weekend and weekend. I think I was so bored with Suttree that when I picked up something which peaked my interest a bit more, I turned out to be ravenous for something I would be excited to read! The Thirteenth Tale is great, one of those novels you do not want to put down. And so now, I have other stacks of books to consider for the next read. I'm hoping I'm still ravenous for exciting reads....

Spring Snow

It was one of those odd weeks here in Santa Fe. One where sunshine, warm air, and budding trees quickly succumbed to 7 or 8 inches of snow and cold, windy days. And while I was just getting used to the nicer days, the little bit of color starting to show, I was thrilled to have one last big snow. I think at a certain point in each season I start to crave the next season, but there's nothing quite like a good farewell party to the season you're currently wishing away. And I happen to think a farewell party which involves 8 inches of snow, a delayed start to your workday -- possibly turning into a full snow day -- bundling up in those thick sweaters, pulling on warm boots, gloves and a bright pink stocking hat (because pink is really the only color hat someone should have) is a great way to shrug off that old season.

Plus, there's something especially nice about enjoying coffee with someone special while you debate how necessary it really is for you to go brush the snow off the cars and actually leave the house to go to work....

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And in other news I decided to be domestic this week and cook. I was given a subscription to Everyday Food for my birthday, and am really enjoying the recipes. They're simple, quick, and can be divided in half without much trouble (making cooking for one a little easier). I made some tasty pasta dishes, a good chicken saute with artichokes (which is amazing because I usually refuse to cook meat for myself, for no particular reason), and this morning decided to indulge in butter, eggs, and sugar, in the form of a Dutch Baby. I first saw a recipe for Dutch Baby Pancakes on Orangette's blog quite some time ago, and then a variation of that recipe appeared in one of my Everyday Food magazines.

Now, as I live alone and still decided to make the WHOLE recipe for a dutch baby, I have 2/3 of a pan of butter/egg/sugar left on my counter. But I'm not complaining. I do think I should have found someone to help me eat my caloric "pancake" today, but instead I'll likely eat my week's worth of butter throughout the day.



I have to say, it's pretty delicious, and rather pretty right out of the oven too. But, like they warn, it does collapse quickly, or at least lose its extra fluffiness which makes it look so odd when it leaves the oven. I recommend trying extra hard to remember that the handle of a skillet that has been in a hot oven for 20 minutes it also VERY hot. Please take caution. My left thumb, index and middle finger are still smarting a bit. Despite the burn/change in my fingerprints, I was very happy with the dutch baby all around. It's delicious, hot, buttery with little extra pockets of butter from the air bubbles on the surface, and looks so pretty all puffed up and golden... As you can tell from my picture, I was pretty pleased with myself as the dutch baby turned out looking much like the picture in my Everyday Food magazine.

And now I must really go to the grocery store, and buy vegetables, so that I can help out my arteries and actually have something healthy added to my diet today!

Wine and Sheets

Yes, those two things do not exactly go well together, but they are both being actively taken care of at the moment. As is the pot of spaghetti, and the pot of simmering spaghetti sauce. I'm being overly domestic at the moment, and doing so while sipping some Two-Buck-Chuck. Laundry, Cooking, Organizing and Wine.

Those were four things (oh, and some me time) that I did not get accomplished this weekend. I had some (hopefully) fun and romantic plans for Friday, but those were quickly squashed when a Thursday night phone call from extended family came in. I and my new little (and I really do need to stress little) was a good little hostess for my house (casita) guests this weekend. It was good to see the family and meet their significant other, but it was a little unplanned and a little awkward. They had plans to backpack in northern New Mexico for a few days of their spring break, maybe stop through Santa Fe again on their way back home, and all of this was starting Saturday morning.

I had to work early Saturday morning (oh the joys of political life) and so tried to be oh so quiet Saturday morning when I got up to shower. I realized at seven that morning that there were no ground coffee beans, which meant to coffee at seven AM. So I hurriedly got ready and groggily made my way to Starbucks. Thank God for coffee (and danishes) on Saturdays when you must be at the office (in work clothes).

I was lucky enough to have lunch with my canceled date on Saturday, but then had to cut our afternoon together short and drive like a mad woman down to Albuquerque for a family dinner thing-a-ma-bob. That was pretty fun, even though it required me leaving Santa Fe when I really did not want to (go figure..). Dinner involved a chuck wagon, a cowboy cooked meal, roping a little wooden steer, good friends, and an incredibly stuffed tummy. And you know that roping business I mentioned, I roped its horns on the first try! And it's been years since I tried to rope anything, so I was fairly pleased with myself.

Sunday morning was a "um, don't feel like going to church, Mom," morning. Poor Mom, it's Lent and I'm slacking like a terrible Episcopalian. But, laundry was taken care of, grocery shopping from Mom's pantry happened, errands were run, and a microwave was purchased -- because my cute little casita was lacking one, and I wasn't about to give up my Trader Joe's Mac and Cheese frozen dinner (microwave required). You know, I highly recommend grocery shopping at someone else's pantry and freezer. You can find some amazing deals (*free*), and only have to take what you want. When you live alone, it makes so much more sense to take a few cups of flour from your Mom, than to go buy a bag of flour.

Well, as I was driving back to Santa Fe Sunday afternoon, enjoying the sun through my car window, looking forward to home manicure/pedicure time, a netflix movie, and making homemade spaghetti sauce, my phone rang. The extended fam and their better half cut that backpacking trip short -- by about two days -- and hoped to stay with me again. I have no problem hosting family and friends, but just hadn't mentally planned or prepared for this so I felt a little off kilter. I came home, they showed up about 30 minutes later, I set them up with towels, told them to shower, and went to Whole Foods (Whole Paycheck), where I obviously spent too much money. I offered to cook, but New Mexican food was on their mind, and so after trying two restaurants (closed on Sundays apparently), we found our dinner.

All of this go-go-go just made Monday morning (tip toeing around the hide-a-bed) and the office a difficult thing to deal with today. I mean, a case of the Mondays is a case of the Mondays, but today just felt so difficult. I left work early this afternoon, came home, and started my domesticity routine. I'm doing better at this moment, feeling a little more relaxed, and feeling like I'm accomplishing some things.

And so, a toast to short workdays on Mondays. I think I may introduce legislation to make short Mondays a law during the next legislative session :) It'd be dead before it was given a bill number, but would make me happy.

in other news....

A few weeks ago I had dinner with AWF (more about her later) at that favorite bar of mine (the one where I met the crazy old guy), and as we were sitting there in the crowded, loud bar eating our fondue, someone who I did not recognize came up and asked me if I was Jules... guess what?!?! It was my first "blogger recognition" that happened in real life (as opposed to fake life on the Internet). Not only did I meet someone who reads my blog, she also blogs, lives in Santa Fe, and just so happens to be a foodie! You can find her blog here.

And with that, we emailed and met up for a drink last week! It was fun to talk to someone who is also a young woman in Santa Fe, and someone I think has taken advantage of what Santa Fe has to offer in a much more effective way than I have. And the part that surprised me (although it shouldn't have) is that she knows me -- in an Internet-blog-reader kind of way -- which I hadn't thought of previously. I share a great deal of my life here, and am happy to do so, it's why I write and I why I keep coming back here. What I started to think as she and I spoke is that there are a lot of people I know a great deal about due to their blogs. But you see, that's why I read their blogs. I like hearing about their lives. And while it surprised me to see that turned around and facing me, I kind of liked that someone I met for the first time in person, knew those basic things about me. It means less to explain. It was so unusual, fun, and pretty interesting to meet a fellow blogger living in Santa.

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There are 2.5 days left in this crazy legislative session, and it's crazy time over in that round building that is our capitol. It's an exciting time too. The legislature passed a bill to ban the death penalty in New Mexico; the Governor will announce within the hour if he will sign the bill, or veto it. That and the FY10 budget are the big issues this week. Our budget is slimmer this year, agencies and educational institutions are hurting. It's not a good situation, but there's nothing we can do to about it.

BIG NEWS

It's been some crazy times here in the Land of Enchantment over the last couple of weeks. And, there's lots of fun and exciting news to share!

Number 1, (and my favorite, by far) Miss KA is engaged! Her perfect and amazing boyfriend (wait, now fiance) proposed to her Friday evening. I'm so thrilled for the two of them, and know they will have a wonderful and happy life together. I got the phone call from her Friday evening, and somehow I just knew, and so after she said "Hi, Jules," I followed it with "Kellyan! Are you engaged??" And the answer was a resounding YES. I miss her like crazy and wish I were up in Denver this week to make she and her fiance go celebrating with me! Of course, a visit to Santa Fe could be a wonderful trip to take this spring....

and...

Number 2, I GOT INTO LAW SCHOOL! My mom called me Tuesday afternoon all out of breath and nervous to tell me I had a letter from UNM. She asked me if I wanted her to open it (since I was in Santa Fe and she in Albuquerque), DUH, MOM! Just open it already! I was on the phone in my office cringing and not breathing and waiting for what seemed like hours for her to open that darn envelope. And, the first law school I hear from just happens to be my first choice school. I'm a pretty happy camper.

All of this means that I have a leave date from my office (at least in my head I do already). It means I know what I'll be doing for the next 3 or so years as well. Somehow, that brings me a lot of comfort.

I also moved (again). Did I forget to mention I'm nomadic?? I left the cat lady's house today, and am living in my new little casita. It's already furnished (and very cutely with some great Santa Fe decor), and all I had to move was clothing and such. The only thing I've found wrong with the setup is the lack of a corkscrew. However, I quickly remedied the situation as I keep a mini corkscrew in my glove compartment for situations such as this. And so I'm downtown, walking distance to most things I like to do in town, and no longer have five cats underfoot. I'm sure there are things about the cat house I will miss, but in the mean time, I'm thrilled to have my own space again!

And with that, I'm going to finish my movie and call it a night.

PSA #2

PSA #2 for 2009.

Do not ever attempt to do any work reading in the local bar. No matter how quiet it is on Sundays, no matter how empty the place is, just don't do it. If you do, it will make the day quite an adventure.

And boy was yesterday an adventure..... It started with church, which actually was very nice, and the service and sermon did not feel as conservative as I remember it at this church. Then, I was hungry, and brunch was needed. Well, my favorite restaurant/bar in town has a nice brunch menu, and is quiet on Sundays. So in I went to have some eggs, and a mimosa (because who has brunch without a mimosa?).

The rest of my day was spent trying to get this abnormally talkative old guy to stop talking, and in trying to figure out why this old guy felt the need to tell me his life story. It started with what seemed a normal business connection, and then it progressed to therapy-like talking. Apparently, when I stare straight ahead at the TV or go back to reading and highlighting, it's not a clue that I'm not interested or listening. I know a whole lot about this crazy guy: his business plans, his relationship with a 42 year old bar tender, his relationship with his sister, how he "didn't get the dad gene." It went on and on and on. Never ending.

I was contemplating escape maneuvers, and giving the bartender and the normal guy reading the New York Times two stools away the evil eye as neither one was jumping in to help me get old guy to stop talking. When the old guy FINALLY decided he'd had enough margaritas (3), he left, slowly, and I was worried he was coming back. And then, and only then did the NYT guy and the bartender express how shocked they were as well. I told them both they will never be forgiven for letting me suffer away like that. They said it was quite entertaining to listen to the whole thing.

So Sunday work didn't happen because after old guy left, I really needed another mimosa. It was a long day, but fun in the end after talking with the normal guys who refused to rescue me. So, the moral of the story is: never try to read a work brief in a bar on a Sunday having brunch while minding your own business. You business will soon no longer be your own. Consider yourself warned!